The first day of school has been canceled, and depending on the severity of the hurricane/tropical storm approaching will decide whether or not we'll have school Tuesday or not. I'm hoping we'll start school on Wednesday, just to have a little more balance in the week. I'm thinking about going for a long run sometime today. Just to get my blood rushing through my veins a little faster than most hours of the day. It brings me calm, relief and zen. How awkward that pulse aggravating activities could possibily produce the calm affect. The hush. I like to exercise. I'm not skinny, fat or buff, but I enjoy running and putting my body through obstacles. I don't even know why. I just do. It makes me feel better, in very many ways.

Hello, 6:17 a.m. 
I have to say, it's not as early as it feels. I have VH1 blaring with something that'll keep me from retreating to my warm corner of the couch for a few hours of a hopeful doze. I slept for like, 3 hours at most. Argh, I do have to work on my ability to lay myself down to rest at a decent hour. I've got a long day ahead of me.  A long day indeed.

I'm better today. I feel good. I feel at peace, for a change. I feel whole. I'm better. 
I realized that I don't need to hurt. I don't need to remember. Nothing. I don't need to do a thing. I don't need to cry, ache, quake, rot, rock, pretend, be beautiful, suck, worry, smoke, be sorry, hate, yell, laugh, collapse, be perfect, breakdown, strive, settle, give up, fall, diminish, forget, change... not a thing. I just need to be me. I don't need to do anything. 
I never needed to change. I just needed to realize that. I like myself.

I don't think I'm going to get an ounce of sleep tonight. I can feel the warmth leave my body as I feel the ice tap in and kiss my spine. I can feel my heart pulsate in my throat and my stomach's churning the stomach acids so hard that it quakes my body and makes me sick. I can't stop remembering. Remembering everything that went on last year, and I'm so sick of it. The year that made me so defective. It frustrates me to an unbelievable extent. I can taste the mistakes I made. The trust I shouldn't have given. I can feel it all being taken away and raped, again and again. All over again. I just feel so cold, and the tears that cascade down my cheeks don't make the feeling any better. I should have been stronger then. I should be stronger now. You'd think a girl would learn. It's still kicking my ass. I can feel every bit of hate they all threw my way. As I let them hit me like stones, breaking me down, piece by piece, until there was nothing much of me left. I don't even know. I need to get away. I feel empty and broken again. 'My arms get cold..' I get it now. I'm scared. I don't know what happening to me. I'm just breaking down, and I don't know what to do. I can't handle it anymore.